How to Build Secure Attachment with Yourself: Insights from Trauma Therapy in Sacramento

/ Alyssa Walls, LMFT/

I provide trauma therapy in Sacramento CA and my specialty is helping folks heal from relational wounding and attachment trauma.

Many of us don’t realize how our early relationships, particularly relationships with caregivers, create a blueprint for our relationships in adulthood—both relationships with others (especially significant others) and our relationship with ourself.

Recently one of my trauma therapy clients shared a desire to grow her sense of self-worth and self-love, as she felt the lack of self-love was a root cause of many of the other issues she struggles with. I spent a lot of time after the session thinking about how to best help her, and today I’d like to share with you some of the things I’ve shared with her.

I believe that secure attachment is the foundation of feeling worthy and loved. Developing a secure relationship with yourself will bolster your self-esteem and confidence, and make it easier to form healthy relationships with others.

a black woman with her eyes closed and hands over her chest between the words how to build secure attachment with yourself insights from trauma therapy in sacramento

Attachment Theory

Attachment theory is a psychological framework that was largely developed in the 1960s, which describes the importance of relational bonds between humans. It started out focusing on relationships between children and their caregivers (primarily focusing on the mother), and later expanded to apply to adult relationships as well.

Attachment theory has become much more widely known and shared about in recent years with information readily available on social media. I’m so glad that more people are talking about attachment! Unfortunately, the information out there doesn’t always come from the most knowledgeable sources, and it gets oversimplified to fit within a single image or soundbite, losing nuance and context.

A lot of what we see in the media describes insecure attachment styles, especially anxious and avoidant attachment styles. And of course, it’s important to shed light on our wounds. It’s hard to heal if you don’t know how to describe what you’re struggling with.

However, believe it’s equally important to define secure attachment and to be able to recognize what relationships look like when they’re supportive and meeting our needs. We learn what’s possible by seeing healthy examples.

We need to know which direction to steer our ship towards as we travel along in our healing journey. Secure relating is our North Star.

Secure Attachment 101

When we are securely attached, the other person (whether that’s a parent in childhood, a partner in adulthood, or another significant figure in our life) serves as both our safe haven and secure base.

A safe haven provides connection. It’s our “soft landing place” to seek refuge in when life is difficult, when the world has treated us harshly. It’s comfort and care. It’s where we can let our guard down.

A secure base is the foundation from which we can branch out. Knowing we have support to return to when we need it makes it easier for us to go off and explore the world. It feels safer to take risks when we have a secure home base. The secure base fosters individuality, independence, and us discovering our unique gifts.

The 5 Core Attachment Needs

Psychologists Dr. Daniel P. Brown and Dr. David S. Elliott identified five primary conditions that promote secure attachment. They describe the parent’s way of being with the child and what this does for the child, both in the moment and in their long-term development.

Below I’ll briefly describe each of these needs and how they can be met by caregivers in childhood, as well as tips for how to provide for your own needs (and your inner child’s needs) in the here and now.

Protection

First and foremost, it’s the parent’s job to ensure the child’s survival by protecting them from danger or harm. Think about the things that many of us learned as kids—“Don’t talk to strangers.” “Look both ways before crossing the street.” “Stop, drop, and roll.”

Receiving protection from a caregiver gives us a felt sense of safety, and this is foundation for all of the other conditions for secure attachment. The ideal parent is protective, but not overprotective, and doesn’t shelter the child from the experiences needed for their development.

How to Protect Yourself

A few ideas: Stay current on health check-ups and schedule an appointment if you’ve been putting it off. Set boundaries with anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe. Learn self-defense.

Attunement

Attunement is a kind of emotional paying attention. It’s when you know someone so well that you can pick up on small changes in their mood or behavior and respond accordingly.

It’s when the parent is tuned into the child’s radio station.

Attunement is what we’re experiencing when it feels like someone just “gets” you. It makes us feel seen and known, and is how we develop a healthy sense of self-worth.

Part of attunement is also for the caregiver to know what the child is capable of developmentally and have appropriate expectations based on that (for example, knowing when a child is too young to expect them to be fully potty trained).

How to Attune to Yourself

A few ideas: Journal. Meditate. Set reasonable expectations of yourself. (For many of us, this means lowering the bar.)

Soothing and Reassurance

Soothing and reassurance are really at the heart of the “safe haven.” Knowing that you can turn to your caregiver when you’re hurt or upset gives us a felt sense of comfort.

Soothing and reassurance can look like physical comfort (hugs, picking the child up, rubbing their back), kind words, or a soft, gentle voice. This is how we learn emotional regulation.

Over time, we begin to internalize the caregiver, and we can start offering that reassurance to ourselves. This is how we gain the ability to metabolize emotions.

In other words, we learn self-regulation through co-regulation.

Co-regulation is when, through our shared presence, I lend my nervous system to you to help you regulate, or you lend your nervous system to me to help me regulate. In childhood, a resourced parent lends their regulated nervous system to the child to soothe and reassure them.

How to Soothe and Reassure Yourself

A few ideas: Do some deep breathing. Practice self-massage. Write yourself a letter from love.

Expressed Delight

Expressed delight is when you appreciate someone not for what they do, but just for existing.

You may experience expressed delight when you’re reunited with a loved one and you get excited just seeing their face. I express delight watching my cats do any and every little thing.

Expressed delight gives us a sense of being valued and is also part of how we develop a healthy sense of self-worth. It can often be expressed in non-verbal ways, like through body language and facial expressions (heart eyes!).

How to Express Delight in Yourself

A few ideas: Take yourself on a date. Set a photo of yourself as a child as the lock screen on your phone. Write a list of things you appreciate about yourself or feel proud of yourself for.

Support and Encouragement

Support and encouragement are the heart of the secure base. Unconditional support and encouragement for exploration help us become our best, most authentic self.

In childhood, this may look like a caregiver encouraging the child to explore their own unique interests, not forcing their own agenda. For example, letting a child do gymnastics or paint because that’s what they’re interested in, rather than pressuring them to follow in the parent’s footsteps of baseball or music.

How to Support and Encourage Yourself

A few ideas: Try a new hobby you’ve always been interested in. Explore your hopes and dreams for the future. Learn more about a topic you find intellectually stimulating. Make time for creative pursuits.

Prereqs: Presence, Consistency, and Reliability

All of the conditions listed above come with a few prerequisites that need to be in place in order to build secure attachment. The first is presence. The parent needs to be there for the child, physically and mentally/emotionally. And you need to be there for yourself.

How many moments of presence do you have in your current day to day life? Do you leave space to just be with your own thoughts and feelings? Or is every moment focused on something external (work, other people, your phone, the TV)?

If you want to have a healthy relationship with yourself, you need to make space for it in your life.

Then come consistency and reliability. You can’t just be there sporadically. At the heart of secure attachment is trust and safety, and it’s difficult to trust and feel safe, to relax, when things are unpredictable and you’re not sure the other person (or yourself) will be there.

You have to keep showing up for yourself, over and over and over again, to build self-trust.

Not just words. Actions.

Now I’m putting my tough love hat on! You have to walk your talk.

If you tell yourself/your inner child that you’re just as worthy as anybody else but you continue to consistently put other people’s needs before your own, you won’t believe it, and you won’t feel worthy. The words and the behavior need to match, they can’t contradict.

You build self-trust by keeping your word to yourself and backing it up with action. Action can look like: Resting. Setting a boundary. Saying “no.” Making a request. Advocating for your needs. Allowing yourself to cry. Asking for help. Taking the day off. Making yourself a home-cooked meal. Signing up for a class. Taking one thing off your overly full plate.

I could go on! The possibilities are endless.

Aligned actions will look different for each person. Just know that love is a verb and get ready to show (not just tell) yourself how much you value you.

Feeling overwhelmed? Trauma therapy in Sacramento can help.

A deep desire for greater self-love is one of the longings I hear from so many, both among my trauma therapy clients and those I know in my personal life. I can assure you the process is so worth it, but unfortunately it’s not often easy and there’s no quick fix.

“Doing the work” can be overwhelming. You may not know where to begin. We have to face a lot of unprocessed pain before we can get to the joy of loving relationship with ourself, and more openness to nurturing relationships with others. I would be honored to be your guide.

We’ll co-regulate—I’ll lend you my nervous system to help you feel safe and grounded, and we’ll move at a pace that works for you. Relational wounding can be best healed in relationship and I would love to hold space for you.

If you’re in the Sacramento area and would like some support and guidance in building a more loving, caring relationship with yourself, please reach out. Click here to learn more about self-worth focused trauma therapy in Sacramento and schedule a free consultation with me today.

Suggested Reading/Listening:

PS - Stay tuned for an upcoming book review of the attachment books listed above!

/ Alyssa Walls, LMFT/ /

Alyssa Walls

I’m a therapist in Sacramento, CA who specializes in treating anxiety and trauma. I love to write about self-care, self-worth, setting boundaries, and healing from codependency, people pleasing, and perfectionism.

This blog is my space to share free mental health resources with the community in Sacramento and beyond. I share the things my clients have found most helpful—personal stories, examples, and practical, actionable tips for how to do the work of healing in your daily life.